Sigh

Got an email from the place I was at an interview, saying I didn't get the job. 

Time to take a deep breath and give this more effort. I need a job. Now. Yesterday. 

But the whole catch 22 thing drives me around the bend, I really need a counselor or something like it. I need to talk to a doctor, I need calm and routine to get the energy to actually manage to do a good job at looking for a job... But to get that I need a job. Ugh.

It all makes me so tired. 

Klipp dig och skaffa ett jobb

[clip day aw skaphah eht job] cut your hair and get a job

I'm at Dina's place in Lidingö, a large island that can be described as a suburb to Stockholm I guess. 

I went to a job interview last week and I really really really hope I get it, even though it would be hard to get time off to visit Ben. I'm going to ask Dina if I can print some cv's and hand them out at a lot of shops tomorrow. And I'm gonna translate it and apply for jobs in England as well I think. 

I feel directionless, I know where I want to go but it's a long way into the future right now, the path isn't clear. I don't know how to get there or even if I can. If I ever will. 

It makes me sad to feel that way and the sadness makes me apathetic. 

But I try to fight it. 

I should try to find a job somewhere else than in Stockholm I guess, it's so expensive to live here. 

I'm thinking of Enköping, a town an hour or two from Stockholm. A childhood friend lives there and I think saving money would be easier there. 

Being homeless and broke isn't all it's cut out to be. 

First off I'm gonna make a bunch of important phone calls. I hate making phone calls. But I'm gonna do it, right now. 

Failjacks/flapfails

I made flapjacks a couple of days ago. The chewy, delicious, moist English treats, you know? I made them with honey instead of syrup. Unfortunately the honey had a strange aftertaste that made the flapjacks taste... Well, strange.

I tried again today. Using the exact same ingredients as several blogs had listed. And the same temperatures and times. I put chopped pecans and figs in there. 

What I learned: 200 degrees Celsius is too damn high a temperature. And to put the pan pretty low in the oven. 

A complete recipe will follow when I manage to make good flapjacks! 

Another day already?

I was so sad and angry last night. Now I feel empty. 

I dreamt about food. And Texas, and Nenni. I should call her. 

It's eleven thirty and I'm trying to motivate myself to get out of bed. It's hard. 

Heavy

Some days I feel like I can do anything. Some days I feel like I'm buried under a ton of rocks. 

Today is one of the latter. 

Just CAN'T. 

Hey yeah

I miss Ben. I miss my chair. I miss my closet. I even miss the fucking carpet. 

Ute och cyklar

[Ewteh aw sick-lahr] Out riding a bicycle (slang for being completely out of the loop)

So the last few days my good friend Irena has dragged me out for bike rides, and I realized that it was approximately six years ago I last even touched a bicycle. (The last time might have been when I fell off and broke my collarbone) My behind is quite tender.

Trying to update my CV and stuff. Stresses me out. Difficult. Need to go find important papers and stuff. Also stressful. And now I'm getting hungry too. Sigh.

Good morning

I'm awake. A couple of hours earlier than the last few days. Got a lot to do today. 

I "relocated" to Irena's place and it feels pretty good. She came with me to the "work agency" thing (arbetsfömedlingen) for moral support and waited for like three hours. I have the best friends. I have no idea how I deserve them. 

I felt a bit insecure and asked her if she thought that there was something wrong with me. I'm 29 and I get myself in these situations. Broke with no job and nowhere to stay. I'm confident that I'll find a job and everything will work out but what if I'm just stupid? What if I'm doing it all wrong? 

She said that I shouldn't worry. That I'm brave and that I don't let norms control me. I'm not crazy. I just do what I want. 

I felt very happy to hear that. It's hard for me to explain the difference between nuts and brave as well as Irena did but it was still a great thing to hear. 

Hello Sweden

I'm back "home", although I'm pretty much homeless here. And broke. Feels much better than I thought it would though! Probably because I'm at Tindra and Oscar's place and it always makes me happy to be here. I feel pretty much at home with these people. I love them like family and their home has been one of the very few constants in my life the past year. 

The trip back to Sweden was horrible. It felt awful to leave Ben and it was a 21 hour trip with seven hours in Warsaw. I cried a lot. But now I feel pretty good and more relaxed. I even managed to get right into the time zone! 

I'm going to make this work. I'm going to make sure my telephone is working again and register into the official work-finding-thingie and find a job and a cheap place to stay, here in Stockholm or someplace else. Wherever. And I'm gonna pay my debts and save up for a ticket back to Texas. And I'm going to pay Ben back some of the money he's been giving me wether he wants it or not.