chatting

it's almost four
I hate when Ben leaves
the days are okay but the nights are the WORST
I stay up late just so I can sleep for long so that time passes faster...

So yeah, it's really late and this is blog post number 900. Today I wrote a bit on my book, painted my nails, hung out with Rose, played Guild Wars 2 and... that's pretty much it I guess. I went swimming, I ate a lot of candy and pretty much no "real" food except a frozen mac-n-cheese that was supposed to be fancy but tasted pretty horrible. (Rose liked hers though.)

Oh and I watched Twin Peaks, ep1s02. Curiouser and curiouser. The owls are not what they seem. Oh Lynch you crazy dude.

Nails are now a shade of pearly pink that I can't decide if I love or hate.

Goodnight. Or morning. Or whatever time it is when you read this, dear reader.

---edit---
tried to get this post to look normal but srsly guise it's super late and I'm goin to bed instead

Bleep bloop.

It's kinda late. My body feels strange. My mood is strange. Ben is camping for the last time and I miss him so much. It's like just because I know it will be over soon it's so much more difficult now. I don't know. 

I'm thinking a lot, like there's a beehive in my head, my brain won't shut up. Ideas and thoughts and wants and fears and dreams. Jumbled. I pick up my knitting, and get tired of it. I start playing computer games but get tired of that. I watch Twin Peaks and I really want to know what's gonna happen but I just can't put the next episode on. The bees from my head spread into my entire body, I'm restless, I'm going crazy. I download new games to my phone but they're no fun after a couple of levels. 

I think I've just been cooped up for a couple of days and I'm tired but my body still has energy to use up.

Maybe I should take a walk. But it's dark and late and I don't want to get lost or kidnapped or eaten by monsters or anything. 

I started reorganizing the kitchen but ran out of energy and now it's chaos. I went swimming this afternoon and could only muster up the energy for seven of my usual ten laps. 

I start reading an article but get tired of it and start reading a different one. Expecting a different result. I'm not tired enough to go to bed. I might be hungry. I'm gonna make some kind of food and watch the last episode of Twin Peaks. 

Swimmin' in the rain

There was a downpour and thunder as we where driving home early this afternoon. Now there's a light drizzle and the air feels fresh and clean and I just came up from the pool. I was swimming daily for a couple of weeks but the last week or so I've been a bit lazy. But I went swimming yesterday and again today and it feels wonderful to use my muscels! Since we drive everywhere I don't get much workout.

This past week has been fun but not very healthy. We've been partying a bit more than we should've.

Now I'm waiting for Ben to come home from a meeting so that we can go grocery shopping. In the meantime I'm going to swim some more.

Feel the heat

I'm alone again but in a better mood than before. Think Glee made me a bit depressed.

It's so hot. I'm hung over, still, after a long day in bed. I miss my man and my energy.

Angst

So much that needs to be done that I can't get done. I just can't. The anxiety makes me just sleep all the time. It's too difficult to be awake. I don't want to face reality. 

I got a text message from my cell phone traffic provider thing saying that my last bill didn't get payed. There wasn't enough money on my account. 

I don't have enough to pay the bill. Things like this makes me just not want to be alive. I'm not getting any money. I thought I was getting a small monthly amount but I was wrong. 

I have no money and nowhere to go. I want to stay here with the man I love and I can for a while but then I have to go back to Sweden and I have no idea what to do there. Where to go. I don't really want to go there. I want to visit but then I want to come back here. But I can't do that without any money. 

I feel lost and caught in a trap. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm so tired of this life. It just gets more and more complicated. More difficult. 

Later

I miss him. It's two thirty and just like every time I'm here alone I can't sleep. I don't even try. 

I'm okay. I just don't really feel like sleeping. 

There's so much. On my mind. I'm so scared. I'm so confused. 

I'm okay though, I'm just ... I don't know. 

Miss him miss him miss him

He's camping. Doing research on ants. He's not home and this time he might stay out for two nights, which isn't new, but he's probably not coming home during the day even. Ugh. 

I'm sad. Over a lot of things. 

Close your eyes I'll be here in the morning

Three in the morning. My darling gets up in two hours, and he'll be home in seven. 

I'm projecting my emotions on high school tv shows where problems are easy to solve and life is a song. 

I'm sad and I miss him and I worry about the future. I need to make decisions that I don't want to make. I'm uninspired and I try to be creative but nothing turns out good. I stay in bed and eat junk food and despise myself.