thicker than water

Well. Today was spent chillin' with my mom mostly. And fighting a bit, but it always sorts out. I wish I could get along with my mom, but it seems so hard. I really wonder why. Anyhow we always fix it.

Yesterday was emotionally pretty rough. A lot of good things happened, but that can be really rough actually.

All of a sudden I realized that I'm part of a huge family, even though I never really knew them, or even knew about them. I met many when I was little but all of a sudden there's like fifty people or something who all are cousins and second cousins and aunts and great aunts and... cousins of aunts and... people called Anders. Crazy. I felt like... well... not an outsider at all. Even though many of them ignored us completely. Being totally unexpectedly surrounded by smiling relatives who think youre kinda awesome just because you... you're family. And they where kinda awesome too.

They where posted close to the door in the church. After the ceremony, which was... well, a bit personal since the vicar actually knew my grandfather personally, when we where on our way out, the just kinda caught us. And talked, and made sure we knew we where a part of this big clan.

I really did'nt know! It's a quite big thing. And this was just on my mothers fathers side. After the funeral, on our way back down to Uppsala, we stopped by to say hi to my great grandmother. Who is really great! She's 97 in a couple of months! I've only met her once the last ten years or so, for a few minutes five years ago. She's tiny. And funny. We had coffee and talked for about an hour. So that's my mothers mothers mother.

I mean, imagine if I would have had a kid. That would make five generations alive at the same time. That's how old she is. Now I don't, so that's just four. But still.

Well, the day endedwith me being quite shook up and emotional and me and mom watching the first half of Kung Fu Panda in which Jack Black is great as usual. We watched the second half today. He is seriously one of the funniest people ever. The movie was a well made variation of an old theme. I liked it.

Now... German movie or World of Warcraft? Tough desicion!

cuts like a knife

It's been a good day. This day. I thought it would be pretty rough and possibly dramatic, but it was good.

So why does my heart feel so bad?

How can the pain not get any less painful? How come, everytime it resurfaces, it hurts so much?

You make everything else go away.

I'll write about all the other surprises of the day later.

keep breathing

Today I overslept for about an hour. There was no breakfast. I was really tired all day, and I still am. I had lots of coffee but never really woke up.

I booked a week off for my grandfathers funeral. And flight tickets to Sweden. And I bought black clothes. You would think that that would be a bit tricky with no money, but hey, RyanAir and Penneys. Did'nt spend very much. But now I really don't have anymore.

At least I wont get less next month, I don't have to take unpaid leave for the funeral, wich is good.

Feels strange to go back after such a short while. Very strange. I don't really want to go to Sweden but I really want to be with my mother.

I really don't know what I want. I won't have time to see any of my friends in the one week I'll spent in the motherland. I did'nt have time in five weeks even.

I wish I could just bring my mom and go somewhere else. India maybe. Or Alaska. Or anywhere.

Now I'm going to sleep. And it's not even ten o'clock yet! Good stuff. First good thing today. Or second, Olof made pancakes for dinner.