Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Nothing happened

My past is full of betrayals, my head is full of horrible memories, my heart is full of pain. Still, after all this time. Details have started melting away but the pain is fresh.

But in reality, nothing happened. There was no consequences. Being bullied and thrown out of school for being unpopular  (yes, it actually happened) led to me being lost and broke and homeless but I'm still alive, I had wonderful friends who took me in and now there's not really any consequences left. I don't have the education that I wanted but on the other hand I didn't have to spend any more time in that place.

Having pretty much all my valuables stolen by someone I trusted led to me not having some things that meant a lot to me - the sewing machine my parents and grand parents gave me for my 25th birthday, the amazing digital camera I bought from one of my best friends, a hard drive with all the photos I ever took and even my sex toys(!!!) - but at least I don't have him in my life anymore. I miss my stuff a lot still, but the ice cold betrayal hurts more. I thought he was my friend, but he lied and schemed and spread rumours and, well, stole shitloads of things from me. I feel so disgusted by it. He even beat up my father.

How does a human being sink so extremely low?

I know that there are worse people. Murders and wars and bombs and assaults happen daily. I just don't understand it. Mean, selfish, cold people prey on the weak. I was weak. I was extremely depressed already, he made me think that he cared about me and then he threw me out and stole all my valuable things. Personally valuable or monetarily valuable didn't seem to matter, so it wasn't only about personal gain for him. It was about doing as much damage as he could.

And what happened? I moved to a way nicer place. I got rid of a horrible person. In general my quality of life improved.

Nothing happened. I'm okay. I'm still battling depression but as mentioned I was before that asshat took advantage of me, before I went to that shithole school. Even before I lost my job.

One day, I'll get better. They never will. You can't get better from being a really fucking bad person. You will always have done what you have done.

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