Baggage

We've all got it. Only I got more. 

My room is chaos. It is filled with stuff. So much stuff. Impossible amounts of stuff. I need professional fucking help. 

I'm in panic, I can't relax, and it's been going on for weeks. It's not healthy.

I have nobody though. Nobody helps me pack. Nobody to tell me to relax. Nobody to let me know what I should keep and what I should give away. 

This constant panic makes me tired and confused. I can't focus. I can't see what's important or not. 

I'm sitting in my bed, in front of my tiny pink laptop, trying to go through some pictures that I need to print.

I'm blogging on my phone. Around me is chaos. Inside me is chaos. 

On my bed with me is broken jewelry, clean clothes, my handbag, toilet paper, boxes of jewelry making supplies. On the floor around my bed is trash, papers, dirty dishes, jewelry, knitting projects, tape, one leg warmer, yarn, boxes of jewelry making supplies, stickers, a paper cutter, books, a bank card reader, laces, small bags, pieces of a broken silk blouse, clothes, shoes, cables, a mirror and two electric candles. Among other things.

It's Friday afternoon. On Sunday I have to be out. 

Oh by the way

I had extremely strange dreams last night. Humans where kept as pets in a surreal future where two races where competing for power over earth. One of the races where strong warriors living in colorful, almost organic looking towers, flying in small broad-winged fighter planes. The other race used technology in a way I can't even begin to explain. 

It was a beautiful dream, visually. Scary but beautiful. The sun was shining brightly over huge fields where healthy green crops where growing. The towers shimmered in the sunshine. 

The warriors had small apartments, extremely functional, with large luxurious bathrooms. 

The technological ones seemed to live in tunnels of light that they could seemingly control with their minds. 

So yeah. There was a story in the dream but it's too long to write. 

Den sommartid

("That summertime"?) 

Slept for twelve hours. 

Late for the "avslutning", the school ending ceremony. Not even dressed nicely. Straight from the shower, wearing an old discolored dress. 

Had to leave early too. 

But the whole forest smells like lily of the valley and it kinda feels like summer is really here. 

Time now for my second ADHD-test thing. 

My plane leaves in seven days. 

In blood

Had a blood test today. A bit hung over and tired, but in a much better mood than yesterday. The sun is shining, my flip flops are a bit uncomfortable, I'm on my way back to school in time for lunch. 

Last night there was an end-of-the-school-year-party. It was fun I guess but I was in a horrible mood. I left early and sat in my room skyping with Ben instead. 

Hope lunch today will be left overs from the dinner last night though, it was wonderful. 

NINE

I stayed up late last night, working in the workshop. Got a lot done but still have a lot left to do. 

Today we're cleaning out the workshop though. I just carried the third or fourth loa of stuff back to my room and I'm warm and tired and in a crappy mood. I just want to hide in a closet for a week. In the dark, alone. 

I have so much to do. Too much. I don't want to leave the workshop, I didn't realize how sad it was going to make me. I won't come back in three months. This is goodbye, might be final. 

Tonight there's a party, a masquerade. I'm going to wear my horns. Found my pointy ears too. 

Don't want to go. Not now. Hope I'll feel like it tonight. 

Tomorrow we're having a last 'fika' with our class and on Friday it's the last day and then it's all over. And also exactly one week until I leave. Nine days today. Single digit. 9. 

Feels good. 

This morning Sanna, who will be storing my stuff over the summer, said she might not fit anymore. I still have most of my things. So I'm a bit panicky over that. 

Bloop

So today I met a ... Doctor? Nurse? Person? Anyway she started my ADHD-evaluation. A bit scary.

Ten days until I fly away. 

Two weeks

Fourteen days until I'll be in Texas. I can stop waiting. We can finally start our relationship for real. After almost six months. 

Way too stressed out to be nervous. 

I'm on a bus on my way to Stockholm. I've had two hours of sleep and I ate one egg and a candy. I had nightmares and now I'm a bit nauseated. Too tired, too stressed to be nervous about tomorrow, when I'm gonna be a bridesmaid. 

My brain hurts. And my eyes. I was hoping on being able to sleep on the bus but everyone is loud. 

Stockholm

I miss coffee.

Last few days has been intense and hectic and a bit nuts. Right now I'm standing outside SIBA waiting for them to open so I can give them my laptop and then get to the train, which is an hour late. 

I miss Ben. 

We had a bachelorette party for Tindra on Saturday. It was great fun but my recent mental plummet into depression made it a bit strange. I get weird when I'm sad. 

SIBA should open now. Please?!?

19 days left. Almost nothing.

And now they're letting me in! 

Grawr

My throat hurts in a weird way and my stomach and I feel sad and angry and I'm not sure why.

I packed stuff. I have lots of work left to do in school. I don't have enough money. The stress makes me want to vomit. 

Oh and my sleeping patterns are totally fubar and I'm taking lots of different pills and I'm extremely sensitive and it feels like everybody hates me. 

Ugh. 

Oh my goodness

Whole wheat pasta

Some falafel

One head of broccoli 

Pumpkin seeds

Garlic butter

Pesto 

Linseed 

Parmesan

Do stuff to it. Whatever you want. Boil a bit and fry and stuff. 

TASTIEST. THING.

Trick is to have quite a bit of butter and salt and fry it all together with Parmesan in there. So good. So insanely good. 

I have not yet closed my eyes

It's half past four. I'm hungry but not very tired. Too tired to make food. Not tired enough to fall asleep.

Soon though. 

I just read a very long article about children dying in cars. Forgotten by parents. The article won the Pulitzer Prize. I could not stop reading. It was horrifying. And it made me never want to own a car. 

So much to do. So little time. My head feels like it could break from all the noise inside. 

My sleeping patterns get stranger and stranger, despite the new medicine that was supposed to help me sleep at the right times. I think I might try going back to the medicine that just helped me sleep and simply take it at exactly the same time every night for a few nights. 

Four day weekend now. Tomorrow I'm going to go into town and pick up my dress, buy some food, call a couple of friends and make some plans, sort some stuff... Maybe start taking some photos of finished products?

It's almost five. The birds have started singing. I'm going to bed. 

So tired

My hands are tired and my arms. My whole body. My mind and my soul. I just want to sleep. For a thousand years.

I moved all my things last night, my friends helped me. They where very kind.

I have too much things. So many things. So little hope. Everything feels hopeless and bad.

Awh man. So tired. So much to do.

F this s

I'm in a foul mood. I'm angry and cross and uninspired. School is boring and I had nightmares and everything just sucks in general.

Grrrrrrr.

Can't sleep

In bed. Tired. Body aching from restlessness.

Looking at pictures of dogs. Looking at Instagram. Looking at Facebook.

Missing my man.

It's late and I have to get up early. Think I'll take a sleeping pill.