Lunch

Eating with J in a food court in town. Spicy curry. Very nice. Best of all - I'm not panicking or freaking out or shutting down or anything!

Ugh

It's really really late. I'm packing and preparing for leaving early Wednesday morning and I'm really tired and I have so much to do and... I'm going to bed. NOW.

Sunrise

On my way home while the sun is rising, feeling.. Great. It feels so wonderful to be not only not sad, but actually HAPPY. Had a good time. Also a couple of glasses of wine, which I'm probably going to pay for in the morning.

But maybe it's worth it.

No, it's totally worth it! I actually went into town - alone - and to a pub! For the first time in MONTHS!

Yay me.

Swim swim

Today I took the first bath of the year! It was very nice. I also became a redhead again. We're on our way home from the lake now, gonna make some pasta and tonight I'm meeting an old friend! Good times.

Alone time

For the first time in a couple of weeks I am alone by choice! It feels great. I finally feel like I'm coming out of the great darkness that I've been drowning in the past month.

Good birthday present.

Jonas

Jonas on our balcony

Natt

Klockan är snart tre på morgonen. Det är 20 grader varmt ute och jag har spenderat dagen med att få kraftiga panikångestattacker.

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Sleepy

Another one of those nights where it feels like I haven't slept at all. I think I did tho, and I slept a lot during the day yesterday. Still, I'm so tired, all the time. Crawled into bed again after almost falling asleep on the sofa. Gonna try to sleep for an hour before I do the laundry.

New nightmare

I need to go home. I woke up so many times tonight, and I had more nightmares, and I did a full spin during the night, so now I am lying the wrong way. My head hurts.

I miss J, but I can't help feeling that I should stay away to give him some space. I feel so neurotic and annoying. I wish I could just relax but at the same time I feel a bit hurt when he doesn't call or text unless I do it first. He shouldn't have to, I know he cares about me loads.

I feel so stupid for thinking this way.

Ugh. I hate myself when I'm whiny and neurotic. It's not me. The real me is relaxed and happy and confident. I can feel that real Kristina struggling to shut the whiny, depressed Kristina up. But my evil twin keeps on winning. Keeps on whining.

And I hate myself, and I hate myself for hating myself.